Reasonable measures

Dear Mr Brunskill,

I wish to bring to your attention the fact that I have been unhappy in my position as assistant valve operator for some considerable time. I will admit that my actions over the last week in particular may have pointed in a less than subtle manner to this truth. While I will agree that daubing myself with yellow paint and climbing onto the roof of the pumping station with a banner displaying obscenities directed at your person might, in some circumstances, be considered anti-social, I am sure you will accept my very reasonable exasperation at your apparent indifference to my unhappiness at work.

Indeed, it is to this indifference that I also attribute my admittedly falsified contraction of Tourettes syndrome, again mostly directed at your person. It can not have escaped your notice that whenever you have recently entered a room where I have been present, the first words that have greeted you on each occasion would, quite frankly, make Billy Connolly blush.

And yet still you did not shift in your attitude of quiet denial towards my deteriorating condition. I had thought that the abduction of your family over the weekend would have given you pause for thought, yet still you remained steadfast in your refusal to investigate my work-related disquiet. Can it be any more obvious? Can a man, in a position of authority over others such as yourself, not possess the ability to sense that when an employee under your supervision kidnaps your entire family, it is a clear and obvious sign of that employee's unhappiness at work? Incidentally, they are well and unharmed, although during my haste in the operation I regrettably backed over your dog in my stolen transit van. The veterinary surgeon assures me that he will suffer no lasting pain despite the now permanent limp.

It is only now, after you have forced me far enough beyond the point of desperation that I have finally relented to the drastic action of writing you this letter. I write in the hope that you will finally grant audience to my very reasonable request and change the break room radio station back to Jazz FM. If not, I can assure you that the deposit I have paid to Juan Carlos and his team will be joined very shortly by the rest of the money, and that one night in your near future will suddenly and alarmingly feature gaffer tape and a boat ride.

I remain your humble employee,

James

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