Thwarting the postman

Monday

Spotted postman coming up garden path at around 7:30, letters in hand. Darted down stairs and leapt at front door, using momentum from descent as boost. Caught shoulder on living room doorframe and tumbled ineffectively into coatstand. Tried to use head to block letterbox but post was already part way through. Did barking dog impression through letterbox. Postman departed at speed.

Tuesday

Set alarm to get up earlier, but postman was late! Was crouched in bushes by front gate. Planned to leap out at postman as he entered. Developed cramp shortly before his arrival, but managed to stumble from cover in order to block gate, with rehearsed battle cries researched on Internet last night. Postman made yelping noise and threw letters in face before running off. Consider this partial victory.

Wednesday

Stayed up last night preparing suggestion made on blog yesterday - glue letterbox shut. Genius! Taunted postman from upstairs window when he arrived. Later discovered post left on front doorstep. Will consult Internet again tonight.

Thursday

Different postman today. Postwoman. Attractive. Caught in moral dilemma - should I attempt to thwart her, or explain situation? Post office has been unsympathetic in past, but attractive postwoman may understand. Opened door with stick ready behind back but prepared to discuss. Postwoman spoke bluntly and unkindly, dropped post on doorstep and left. Realised I had been duped by her good looks. Will not suffer weakness tomorrow!

Friday

Prepared tiger trap in front garden. Unfortunately, owing to front path being made of concrete, had to dig pit in lawn, where postwoman would likely not walk. Set up cunning diversion signs and traffic cones on path, but observed postwoman plainly ignoring them. Went outside to complain of non-compliance with signs, but was given rude response. Resorted to garden hose. Postwoman departed at speed. Heard rude words. Will hire contractor to remove path.

Saturday

Post office escalated situation out of proportion - two postmen today! Am claiming victory over postwoman with siren looks. Postmen rang bell. Letterbox still glued shut. Threw bucket of water out of upstairs window but postmen sheltered under porch. Threatened to call police. Postmen responded with same, but eventually left after I started screaming. Found single letter on front doorstep - complaint from post office. Am winning!

Sunday

No post today. Considered thwarting milkman, but remembered milkman had refused to enter street ever again some months ago. Spent afternoon plotting instead.

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