Learning to fly the AH-64 Apache helicopter, for dummies

Day 1

Unable to specifically identify my variant of AH-64 although the book appears to be talking about the AH-64D. Probably. Text varies between wonderfully straightforward and needlessly complex. Cockpit is fully integrated? With what? The rest of the helicopter? What does that mean? No helpful explanation. Had trouble getting in. Fetched small stool from garage to assist. Spent rest of day familiarising self with instrumentation, and trying to find space in cockpit to secure book whilst flying. Will need tape.

Day 2

Book suggested starting engine but had positioned washing line too close to main rotors. Managed to find appendix on emergency shutdown (confusion - are engines GE T700 or T700-GE-701C? Will write to Boeing for variant clarification) but had already caused significant tangle. Favourite Tshirt in shreds. Unable to decide on preferred seat - pilot or co-pilot? Book recommends co-pilot be present but no one else available. Have always seen self as lone wolf type anyway.

Day 3

Have chosen co-pilot/gunner seat. Very cool. 30mm chain gun slaved to helmet. Attention suddenly drawn by neighbour starting lawnmower, glanced round, neighbour dived for cover. Awesome (M230 safely disabled - chapter 17). Spent rest of morning aiming at objects in garden. Am Clint Eastwood, but in a helicopter. Tried starting rotors again after lunch (washing line and patio furniture now moved to safe distance). Book recommends acclimatising to noise and vibration before actual flying. Will try tomorrow.

Day 4

Airborne! Somewhat shaky start (suspect tail caught briefly on guttering) but otherwise fine. Hovered menacingly over neighbourhood. Feeling of power immense. Small crowd gathered until I looked at them (gunner helmet is still awesome). Practiced manouvering skills as book suggested by following paperboy on route. Was doing well until downthrust knocked him off bike into pond. Spent afternoon chasing cats and playing chicken at low altitude with passing motorists. Won every time.

Day 5

Repeated yesterday, this time with iPod and theme from Airwolf. Am king of neighbourhood. Oh yes.

Day 6

Neighbours came round to complain this evening! Asked them to wait a moment, fetched Apache and asked them to repeat their complaint. Neighbours dispersed. Am still king of neighbourhood.

Day 7

Saw next door neighbour coming home today with 'Learning to fly the F-117A Nighthawk, for dummies'. Initially concerned but reasoned that neighbour does not have adequate space in garden to take off. Will retain position of power. Have placed order for additional AIM-92 Stingers on Amazon this evening, just in case.

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