Obtaining your Internet qualification

19/7/07

Following a motion passed unanimously by the UN and NATO in consultation with the W3C, by January 2008 it will be necessary to obtain a qualification prior to using a computer or other electronic device connected to the Internet. The decision accepts that an exhaustive knowledge of the Internet is not necessary for all user types, and as such has devised a three-tier structured approach to the qualification.

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Tier 1: Reading content from the Internet

Question 1: What does WWW stand for?

a) World Wide Web

b) World Web Works

c) lol, n00b!!

d) It means webpage. What?

Question 2: What is a firewall?

a) A piece of software or hardware that protects your computer from malicious intrusions.

b) Umm... something to do with barbeques?

c) You want some? Here's my IP. Try it, pal.

d) Something that sounds either fictional or unnecessary. Are there going to be many more of these questions?

Question 3: What is your response to the following statement? 'The American government has long known about the existence of UFOs but wants to secretly keep the technology for itself.'

a) By itself, that it a totally unprovable statement. Just because something is written down somewhere doesn't make it true.

b) Really? Well, I guess it could be true... it certainly explains a lot.

c) Well, DUH. I've still got most of the navigational console from the first Roswell landing, before the army got to the crash site. Didn't see THAT on CNN, did we?

d) I knew it! To the White House at once with this irrefutable proof!

Question 4: The best web browser is...

a) Mozilla Firefox has some very nice features. Having said that, I'm really used to Opera's mouse gestures. I'd probably go with a combination of both.

b) Web what?

c) I wrote one while I was reading this question. Pwnage!

d) There is only Internet Explorer, you cretin. Everyone knows that.

Question 5: What is sarcasm?

a) A cutting, often ironic remark intended to wound.

b) Something that means the opposite of what it says.

c) I have NO idea. I'm SO stupid.

d) Some stupid British thing.

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Tier 2: Posting messages to websites and exchanging emails and other content

Question 1: What is your response to the following statement? 'George W Bush is the best president the US has ever had.'

a) Not knowing enough about past presidents, I'm not in an educated enough position to comment. I have my own opinions about Bush, but they're not relevant to this statement.

b) No way! Well, actually, he's not so bad, I guess. Wait. Is that the old one or the new one?

c) Stop posting off-topic, nutmunch.

d) I hate you! I'm going to kill you! And then I'm going to kill your family, and all your friends! You suck!!!

Question 2: An email from someone you don't know arrives in your inbox, with a subject line promising naked pictures of the current hot celebrity. What do you do?

a) Delete the email and check my spam/virus filter.

b) Something weird is happening to my computer! No, I didn't click on anything! Help!

c) L33tm0nkey already posted the source for this one three hours ago. Looks like your basic email attack, yawn.

d) Hey, where's my porn?!?

Question 3: Is downloading MP3 files illegal?

a) The question does not lend itself to a simple answer without causing ambiguity. Downloading an mp3 file by definition is not necessarily a crime, unless the content of the file is protected by copyright and you have no legal right to it.

b) Can't you get a virus from mp3s?

c) No way! We have a right to free music! Down with Hollywood!

d) Only if you get caught.

Question 4: What are some principles to use when writing emails?

a) Write your message clearly, using good sentence structure and spelling. Bear in mind that the recipient may interpret your meaning entirely differently from your intention, and write your message to avoid that.

b) I keep sending them, but all I get back is something about 'destination unknown'. What do you think that means?

c) Email? Boooooooring. I use jabber.

d) PRINCIPLES? WHAT? THIS YOR PROBLEM

Question 5: Who owns the Internet?

a) No one does.

b) Tim Berners-Lee.

c) The people, and no suit-wearing freak job from Washington is ever going to take it away from us!

d) Microsoft.

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Tier 3: Creating and posting content to the Internet, particularly web sites.

Question 1: What are some of the issues to consider when designing how a webpage should look?

a) General clarity of layout, compatibility with different browsers at different screen resolutions, good use of colour, avoiding over-reliance on such things as scripting, Flash content, etc. or providing alternatives where possible.

b) Marquee and blink tags ROCK.

c) Check out this site! It's got like 100000000000000000 smileys!

d) It looks good on my computer. There must be something wrong with yours.

Question 2: You notice that a large number of other sites have linked to yours. What is your response?

a) Great. I'll get more visitors.

b) Er... do I have to link back to them all to make this work? Man, this is going to take ages. Isn't there some way of doing this automatically?

c) Looks like Google's indexed it as well. Oh well, better move domains again...

d) They're stealing my copyrighted content! Thieves! I'm going to talk to my lawyers.

Question 3: A new version of one of the major browsers has just come out. How do you respond?

a) My site is standards compliant and doesn't contain anything too complicated, so it'll probably be alright. Still, it's worth checking to see if everything renders correctly.

b) Browser? What?

c) I don't want anyone who'd use that browser looking at my site. They just suck up anything that gets handed down to them, don't they? Sheep.

d) There's a new version of Internet Explorer out? Where?

Question 4: What is SNOOPI?

a) Simple Network Object Or Protocol Interrogation

b) Well I'd give the obvious answer, but it's spelt differently and isn't uppercase. Don't know.

c) Would you like to see the source? I've got it right here, in fact I wrote it.

d) Who cares?

Question 5: Someone starts posting offensive content to the comments section on your website. What do you do?

a) My site requires a valid email address in order to post, so according to my site policy, I send the prepared warning notice to that user and suspend his account for a month.

b) Argh! What? I didn't write that. Where did it come from?

c) That guy's TOAST. The script built into the comments form already gave me his IP address, and I've already broken in and installed a little treat I got hold of last month. Let's just say the FBI will be very interested in the contents of HIS harddrive...

d) I posted something in response, but he just got more offensive. Jerk. That's the way he wants it, that's the way he gets it...

How did you score?

Mostly As:

Congratulations. You are a calm and level headed individual, capable of coming to rational conclusions about issues. You'd be perfectly able to handle yourself on the Internet at any of the three tiers, apart from the fact that some of the questions were just made up and you didn't notice. Better hit the library.

Mostly Bs:

A lengthy computer course seems to be the minimum requirement at this point. Why you even attempted this assessment is unclear. Really, stick with the real world. It's better for you.

Mostly Cs:

You're clearly already a heavy Internet user, thus violating the laws surrounding this qualification. Law enforcement officers are already on their way to take you to a secure facility where you will be exposed to sunlight and spelling lessons. And by the way, people will continue to find you annoying until you start getting away from your computer more often and stop using words that nobody understands because of the simple fact that you make them up.

Mostly Ds:

You are ignorant, arrogant and highly opinionated. It's just possible you've taken the wrong test. The assessment of skills necessary to be a manager is the next door down the hall.

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