Text based email adventure #1 - David's adventure
26/3/08The following article is a transcript of an actual email conversation that took place near the beginning of 2008.
You are standing outside a sweet shop. Delicious chocolate treats beckon to you from behind the olde-worldy panes of glass. A large robotic dentist is blocking the way.
What do you want to do?
1) Run to the fruit shop next door
2) Purchase a banana
3) Consume banana, discarding skin in the vicinity of aforementioned robo-tooth-doc
4) Jeer and mock robo-dentist about his lack of a suntan
5) Wait while robo-cavity-eradicator lunges forward, slips on the banana skin and come a cropper
6) Stroll casually into the now unguarded sweet shop
7) Realise that I'm no longer hungry after eating a banana
8) D'oh!
9) Nuts!
10) Mmmm, doughnuts...
You may only enter one command at a time.
You run to the fruit shop next door. The robotic dentist turns to watch you go, but does not pursue you.
What do you want to do?
2) Purchase a banana
You do not have enough money to purchase a banana, and still afford the chocolate from the sweet shop!
What do you want to do?
Stand in middle of fruit shop and shout loudly at the ceiling "Fate! Why doest thou mocketh me?!" with hands shaking vigorously and clenched into fists
Your loud cry has attracted the attention of the shopkeeper, a kindly old lady with a shawl and a twinkle in her eyes. Without a word, she silently passes you a banana, knowing that she is throwing away the only opportunity for a paying customer in almost a month.
What do you want to do?
Thank the kindly old lady and enquire about the presence of the robotic dentist next door.
The old lady sighs a deep, world-weary sigh and begins a sad tale...
"Once, many years ago, I ran the sweet shop next door. Children from all across the land came to sample my sugary delights. Then one day the robotic dentist appeared, and drove away all the children, refusing to let them eat sweets lest they ruin their teeth in their juvenile fervour. After a tense legal battle that lasted for months, I was eventually forced to open this fruit shop in order to raise funds to continue my defence. But now the children do not visit anymore, and I am old and poor and almost destitute, unable to continue my legal battle. Will you help me, kind sir?"
What do you want to do?
"Indeed kindly old lady, your generosity has earned my gratitude... er, mine gratitude", exit shop and inquire of robotic dentist about the presence of the kindly old lady next door.
The robotic dentist declares that the old lady is a liar and that he cannot comment about an ongoing court case. Then he throws a brick at her shop window and bellows a brief, but shocking, obscenity.
The brick misses, bounces off the window frame, and lands at your feet.
What do you want to do?
Pick up brick and offer it to robotic dentist saying "Excuse me sir I think you dropped this... you couldn't possibly have thrown it as with me as a witness to that act of attempted vandalism your court case would surely suffer... maybe you should just forget all about that nasty court case. These aren't the old ladies we're looking for."
The robotic dentist gingerly takes the brick from you, a mortified and uneasy expression registering on its plastic features. It slowly retreats into the shelter of the sweet shop doorway, and begins to nibble gently on the brick. It is no longer looking at you.
What do you want to do?
Go to sleep (and hopefully level up).
You drift off into an uneasy sleep, punctuated by disturbing visions of looming toothbrushes and old women wielding fruit. You awaken hours later, cold and wet on the hard cobbles of the street. Your back hurts.
Congratulations, you have achieved level 2! You now have the 'melt chocolate slowly at a distance' psychic ability.
What do you want to do?
Stand up and shout loudly and jubilantly skyward "Mwaa ha ha, I am invincible!"
Your loud cry disturbs a pigeon! It flutters across the street from the gutter it had perched on and over the sweet shop. As it goes, it poos all over the robot dentist!
The robot dentist rises from its brick contemplations and advances menacingly towards you. It is no longer waving in a friendly manner.
What do you want to do?
Use 'melt chocolate slowly at a distance' psychic ability on sweet shop.
You concentrate hard on the chocolate in the window of the sweet shop. Minutes pass. Beads of sweat appear on your brow. Your face begins to turn red. More minutes pass. Eventually, one of the bars nearest the window begins to look a little soggy.
At this rate, it will take 43 days to melt all of the chocolate in the window.
What do you want to do?
Check inventory.
You have in your inventory:
20p to buy chocolate from the sweet shop
A tiny wooden rooster
A length of twine
A cardboard box from Amazon.co.uk
What do you want to do?
Construct an ingenious trap using a nearby tree. The cardboard box is suspended in the air with the twine using the tree branch as a pulley system. The tiny wooden rooster is placed underneath the trap to act as bait.
There are no trees here, but you manage to make do with a lamppost. The trap is constructed and baited successfully. The robotic dentist eyes your efforts with a polite, but otherwise blank expression, and shows no further interest.
There is a sudden sound. Your trap has caught something!
What do you want to do?
Slowly lift up box so as not to disturb whatever may be lurking 'neath it's cardboardy construct.
Caught in your trap is a smaller robot with bulging eyes. It looks at you, nervously.
What do you want to do?
Ask the robot "What are your prime directives?"
The robot blinks in embarrassment, as you lean curiously towards it. You make out an inscription on its forehead, that reads: 'Leverbot 1300'.
The Leverbot 1300 scuttles south. There is the sound of bending metal.
The Leverbot 1300 returns and shyly hands you a piece of Victorian railing.
What do you want to do?
Pick up piece of Victorian railing and examine it for runes or other markings indicating that it is something special.
The railing is thick and sturdy, but sadly devoid of runes, carvings, mystical markings, or even graffiti of any kind. The black paint that covers it has been chipped at one end, but this is of little relevance.
What do you want to do?
Hold railing aloft and bellow "By the power of Greyskull"
The sky darkens. Lightning flashes across the heavens. The ground begins to shake. A stray cat, minding its own business on the other side of the street, lies on the ground and begins to whimper. The wind rises, building into a swirling vortex of black cloud and flashing light above you. The robotic dentist steps out from the shelter of the sweet shop doorway, and looks up at the sky in puzzlement.
Lightning strikes!
Unfortunately, it strikes the robotic dentist, who is far taller and more metallic than you. The surge of power blasts through it, shaking it from head to toe. Sparks flash from its extremities. It shudders violently, then collapses onto the floor. Toothpaste dribbles pathetically from a ruptured body panel.
What do you want to do?
Hesitantly approach collapsed robotic dentist and prod it a few times with piece of Victorian railing.
The robotic dentist lies motionless. Smoke is now rising from cracks in its metal body. Your careful prodding is to no effect.
What do you want to do?
Shout in the direction of the fruit shop "Kindly old lady, you can come out. It's safe now, your legal problems are over... unless of course this is all some preprogrammed robotic ruse designed to engineer this exact situation... but that only happens in fiction so the chances are definitely less than 100% of that happening"
The old lady emerges from the fruit shop and approaches cautiously, her hands trembling at the possibility that what you have told her could be true. She is joined by an assortment of other characters who might have helped you on your quest had you actually run into any of them. They begin to cheer happily as the old lady passes the remains of the robot dentist and pushes open the door to the sweet shop.
She pauses on the doorstep and looks back at you, tears of gratitude running down her cheeks. She beckons for you to follow her inside, where the promise of chocolately goodness awaits.
Congratulations! You have completed your quest. What kind of chocolate would you like to buy?
Point to the slightly soggy looking bar of chocolate nearest the window and declare "I shall take that one"
The old lady delicately takes the bar of chocolate out of the window and hands it to you. Clutching it joyfully, you step out into the street, unafraid of the perils of sugar on your teeth. It is a new day. A happy day. A day of promise.
The robotic dentist twitches on the pavement, then lies still.
GAME OVER
EPILOGUE
Finish eating delicious bar of chocolate, made all the sweeter with the sweet, sweet taste of victory. Kneel down next to remains of robotic dentist and take a dollop of toothpaste on one finger, pause for a moment then turn head towards lamppost where a length of twine blows gently in the breeze. Say "He may have been evil but he was right about one thing... dental hygiene is too precious a thing to squander". Stand up and say "Come on Leverbot 1300, let's go".
Walk slowly into sunset, vigorously cleaning teeth with toothpaste laden finger.